armlessbear.com

That noise you hear is NOT a bomb.

Other people’s newborns should come with a cautionary advisory for all childless women over 30.
Warning: Holding this baby may cause deafness. Be sure to let people such as bomb-squads and airline personnel know the loud ticking noise is NOT a bomb, just your biological clock on over-drive.

OK, I know I PROMISED to be better about this, but its so hard to be rational……

please can I have one, too?

Curiousity, like looking at a traffic accident...

Now I know that everyone has looked when they shouldn’t have, and quite possibly looked twice and come back with the same exclamation of "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhgggggg!"
Today I am guilty of that very deed. Only I wasn’t looking at traffic accidents, autopsy photos, or RateMyPoo.com.
Nope, I was on this lovely site called Amazing Pregnancy looking at all sorts of photos. Ultrasound photos, 3-D Ultrasound (which are cool, but kinda creepy because of the amber coloring that makes the baby look like a photo in a Book of the Dead from "The Others" rather than a happy live baby in-utero. These weren’t the scary pictures. Nope. The scary ones were the 2 women who had their labor/delivery photographed. Now I say
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
So I look again and I send it to an equally insane female friend. She does the same thing, but her husband looks on with her.
Note: if you click on this link, FORTHELOVEOFGOD, DON’T LOOK WHERE SOMEONE MIGHT SEE AND BE OFFENDED!
Now thank me for not making it an img src. :)

My husband is insane

I’d like to share an Instant Messenger conversation I held with Mike this very morning.
MikeJBloy: roast rabbit
MikeJBloy: that’s what I’m cooking you for lunch
MikeJBloy: hasenpfeffer
Me: so if I show up at Beach in the next 10 minutes you’ll have
hossenpfeffer?
MikeJBloy: no
Me: so you lied to me?
MikeJBloy: no
Me: but you just said
MikeJBloy: hoooom
Me: you said hasenpfeffer
MikeJBloy: I did?
Me: are you insane?
MikeJBloy: yes
MikeJBloy:I have underpants on my head, pencils up my nose, and I say "wibble"
Me: are they clean underpants?
MikeJBloy: yes
Me: whose underpants?
MikeJBloy: yours
Me: really?
MikeJBloy: no
Me:yours?
MikeJBloy: actually, there are no underpants on my head
MikeJBloy:wibble
MikeJBloy: milennium hand and shrimp


My husband is insane. Please help me.

You're all alone.

Did you ever wake up and feel completely alone in the world?

Maybe I need to go back to sleep.

A nightmarish world of Martha Stewart and al-Qaeda

So last night I went to bed feeling just fine. Sure, it was too hot and a $100 electricity bill for last month has led us to keep the A/C at a minimum, but not hot enough to lead to nightmares.

You would think, wouldn’t you?

In my deep, disturbed slumber I had a nightmare that involved Martha Stewart, Minneapolis, terrorists with bombs, and George W. Bush.

In a special televised announcement the President came on TV to warn us of impending, uncontrollable al-Qaeda attacks. No, not in DC, New York, LA or Chicago. NO… they had decided to strike at the very heart of the home-decor movement. Perhaps by killing Martha Stewart we would sink into the squalor of un-matched furniture, dinner parties without themes, and no-one to guide us through making tastefully decorated pillow shams.
So in my dream Mr. Bush tells us that sources have learned of a plan to bomb the “Martha Stewart Home Decor Convention” this weekend in Minneapolis. Despite their best efforts to find the perpetrators before the actions, they have been unsuccessful and the good people of Minneapolis will inevetiably be bombed. For our own safety we must “Avoid the Martha Stewart convention at all costs.”

Quick…who thinks I need therapy?

Poetry is FUN

So I want to post my haiku, but I’m afraid.
You can read it on Derek’s page.
If you want me to write any more Haiku, please let me know. I’ve got lots.

I think I’m an untapped font of Vogon-esque poetry. If you don’t know what that means, read more Douglas Adams, you uncultured visigoths.

• Haiku makes Mike nuts


• Compose it driving to work


• Just five seven five






• Sex is good for you


• Orgasms keep you happy


• Makes work easier






• Mike wants morning hugs


• and morning kisses also


• I just want to sleep






• I can’t stop writing


• Or thinking of syllables


• please god, make it stop

July 5th - Booooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

OK, so I haven’t blogged in a bit. Sue me. I’ve been busy at work, my computer at home is in pieces and I haven’t had much to say.
I can’t even get up the energy to be excited or angry about anything. Even the Post is boring today. An article in the Post (Washington, that is) even comments on how there is nothing to look forward to for the rest of the summer but HOT HOT HOT. Not a lot of good movies, no holidays, nothing. Blah. Hot.

The only thing to look forward to is my visiting inlaws for 4 days in Mid-July. This means I have to un-pack EVERYTHING in 2 weeks or less.

Everything else I could blog about, I can’t, or shouldn’t. And I don’t want to frighten and confuse my readers or my husband by blogging about things that are potentially funny, but disturbing. So as the old adage goes…“if you don’t have anything nice to say….”

:)