armlessbear.com

D'OH! (getting lost in DC)

So I’ve lived here for just shy of 3 years. You’d think I’d know the area enough to NOT GET LOST. Technically, I wasn’t lost, per se, I just didn’t know a short-cut to get from point A to point B. Confused? Lemme ‘splain…

1. Drop Mike off at 50 & George Mason


2. Proceed down 50 and manage to miss the Washington Blvd turnoff


3. End up in Rosslyn only to miss the 110 exit.


4. Narrowly escape a trip through Georgetown & M Street only to take some weird expressway past the Kennedy Center


5. Cut off by F’ing Mercedes and miss first exit to 66 West


6. End up on 19th and Constitution and manage to get on 66


7. Take wrong exit and end up GW Parkway NORTH NORTH FUCKING NORTH!!!!


8. Turn around at Spout Run Parkway, only to get stuck in gridlocked GW Parkway traffic


9. Exit off Parkway at Pentagon & Hwy27 thinking its a shortcut


10. Its Not


11. Drive around Pentagon and end up on Columbia Pike…not more than 1 mile from where I dropped Mike off 30 MINUTES EARLIER!


12. End up taking Glebe Road to work anyway


13. Arrive at work 40 minutes later, vow to learn side streets in Arlington

If you don’t get it, you don’t live here. I’ll draw a little map for you. It was UUUUUUUUUGLY!

Argh.

Trips to the Kwikie Mart and other reasons against Oral Contraceptives!

So for those of you out of the know, I went off the hated, horrible, drive killing, nausea-causing birth control last month! WOOOO HOOOOO Now before you are thrown into a paralysis of shock and horror let me just add that we are taking necessary precautions to not join the baby club just yet. And if you possess anti-nuclear family opinions or are anti-baby, I probably already know, so keep yer yap shut or sit on yer hands!

Anyhoo….

Remember how you’ve probably heard that women in their late 20s/early 30s are in the PEAK. Well, before I stopped with the evil hormone pills I was in a trough. Everyone say “Poor Mikey”. No MORE! Nope. While we’re probably not ever going to break the record of MLK weekend 2000 (and really, who should?) suffice it to say… I’m baaaaaaaaaaaack!

Hurrah for the lunchtime kwik-trip!
Hooray for sex! EVERYONE should be doing it! Yep, even your mom, dad, brother, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles… Anyone of legal consenting age. In fact, if you haven’t done it recently and you have someone close, convenient, horny, and willing to do it with you —— DO IT!!!!!!! If you think I’ve gone mad read THIS and tell me you disagree. As an aside, saying “honey, you seem down, would you like to suck my dick?” probably won’t put your partner in a better mood… neither will referring to this article. Its like telling a woman with PMS that she has PMS. Stupid. But I digress….

DBUSS may love his hands, but I say hooray for (insert favorite part of you chosen gender-to-have-sex-with here!)

Now, as they say in those stupid NIKE commercials….

JUST DO IT!

A Moving truck exploded in our apartment!

OK, so I can’t update much lately because our internet connection is down, all our computers are unplugged and in pieces at home, DSL won’t arrive for at least a week, and I actually have work to do at work!(except right now, when I’m slacking)

I do have a few things to update though:

• Our address has, obviously, changed. If you want the address, email me and I’ll give it to you


• My email address is undergoing a permanent change. I’m ditching my kmelton@mailbag.com account next month, so DON’T USE IT! Use kirstin@bloy.org


• Phone number has also changed. If you want the new one, either ask for it via e-mail OR call our old one and get the new one


• An e-mail will be going out to all friends and family to let them know the specifics

Moving in pouring rain sucks. I don’t advise it.

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Today’s snicker comes from The Los Angeles Times via The Washington Post.

Too Good to Check

China’s state-run Beijing Evening News had breathlessly told its readers that American lawmakers were threatening to pull out of Washington unless a fancy new Capitol was built, complete with retractable dome and luxury skyboxes. The source? The satirical paper the Onion.

Now, the Los Angeles Times reports, the Beijing paper has apologized, with this parting blast: “Some small American newspapers frequently fabricate offbeat news to trick people into noticing them, with the aim of making money. This is what the Onion does.” Right.

HILARIOUS!

Moving: Phase 1 has commenced

So today we officially moved into our new place.

OK, maybe unofficially. We have our keys and we have most of our kitchen moved. Meanwhile, in Herndon, boxes still line the walls and computers are still online.

Now I’d like to take a moment to comment on a very politically incorrect idea. A national language. English. People SHOULD be forced to speak it. Period.
Our inept cable guy could barely speak the language and was unable to properly communicate cable problems to us and likely to Comcast dispatch as well.
I REALLY FUCKING HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE THAT

I’ll learn a second language like German or Italian or Russian or French or even Japanese if I want to go visit any countries where these languages are natively spoken, but I shouldn’t need to learn fucking Spanish to order lunch or try to find simple household items at WalMart. (OK, I don’t shop at Walmart anymore, but the last 3 times in the last 3 years I was in Walmart I thought I was in a Mexi-Mart.)

Look, if people want to live here, great, fine, fan-fucking-tastic. Live here. Keep your god(s), any strange-smelling foods you eat, weird customs about who you let in your house on Chinese New Years…whatever, but FORTHELOVEOFGOD LEARN THE FUCKING LANGUAGE. And should you decide to breed little american citizens, teach them the fucking langauge first. Do what you have to do… Sit ‘em in front of Sesame Street, send them to English-speaking headstarts…JUST DO SOMETHING!

Its articles like THIS that make my blood boil. These poor kids who can barely speak any language will probably grow up to be poor and illiterate, commit crimes and end up on welfare/in jail/dead and become society’s problems. If someone really moved here for a better life, then act like it. Give your kids a chance to be something besides an underpaid day laborer waiting for the work truck at the 7-11.
Contribute something to the society BESIDES cheap labor.

I’m feeling intolerant today! (ala Ralph Wiggum)
OK, rant over. Time for bet. ‘SLate.

HEY! YOU!

I AM NOT CRAZY!

Anyone who thinks so can shut up. I’m perfectly sane!

Thank youuuuuuuuuuu.

More reasons to HATE telemarketers

I have a college friend who used to work for an unscrupulous telemarketing firm called Fingerhut. She made lots of money there. I even worked there for about 3 weeks before I got so sick of the atmosphere of preying on the poor, elderly and uneducated that I quit. Fingerhut was run by SCAM ARTISTS! I hated them and all their cheap crap sold by using ridiculous monthly payment plans where you more-than-doubled the price by taking 12 months to pay for something that cost about $20 retail. And these people aren’t even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to consumer predators.

Anyhoo………

This little mini-tirade has been inspired by this lovely website Crimes of Persuasion.

If you weren’t already acutely aware of the depths of human greed and deceit, you will be after spending 10 minutes reading this lovely little site.

I hate people

18 Times in 7 Years

My poor Kitti — everyone’s favorite sulky long-haired Calico has moved 18 times in her short feline life. She hates boxes. They send her into fits of hiding under beds and meow-ing at 5.30am.

Boxes make Mikey swear. He hates moving almost as much as Kitti. He hates packing even more.

Nine days to go and whole rooms still need to be packed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

Help me.

More stupid quizzes...thanks, Ryan

which children’s storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

I’m FRODO!

What LoTR Character Are You?

My house is full of boxes, Derek is here and I still have paint on my toe OW OW OW.

1. Mike and I are moving. June 19th.
2. As a result our house is full of packed boxes
3. Derek has moved to the DC area
4. The Ryans are moving.
5. The Ryans are painting their new domicile
6. It is impossible to paint without being covered in it
7. Ryan Donnelly covered his ass in paint
8. Painting high above your head gives you something that feels like tennis elbow
9. Biking with too-short shorts gives your inner-thigh blisters
10. Not wearing sunscreen while outside for hours causes sunburn

I never thought I’d say this, but….

I’m glad its Monday.