armlessbear.com

Not-very-gay socials

So I’m reading the Washington City Paper (see link at left) and I see a strange ad that catches my attention.

Homo-bowl.

Excuse me… homo bowl????!!!

So, of course, I click on the link.

So should you. HomoBowl

Am I think only person who thinks this is weird and not very respectable for the average gay man in the DC area?

I especially love the disclaimer at the bottom “This event is intended for gay and lesbian singles.” Really? No shit? Would the average beer-swilling hetero male confuse homo-bowl for a new bowling league? How gay can the men there be if they’re willing to trade in their custom leather shoes for a fine pair of bowling alley shoes? How would you coordinate your outfit with bowling shoes?

Major plus, though. Lots of great ass shots. Hmm… Maybe they are onto something.

Funny Local Story

For those of you unfamiliar with the DC Metro area, we have a TRAFFIC PROBLEM. This problem is so severe it has to be sub-categorized. The roads, busses, and trains are all full. And to make matters worse rude horrible people drive over-sized gas-guzzling SUVs, causing even worse congestion because something like a Lincoln Navigator takes up the space of 2 Honda Civics and probably consumes the same amount of fuel. Traffic is so bad there is a column in the Washington Post called Dr. Gridlock where people air their grievances about commuting. These grievances range from personal grooming on the metro (including toenail clipping and makeup/hairspray application) to rude drivers and HOV complaints. I have included a priceless gem from Dr. Gridlock.

Enjoy!

Parking-Spot Karma

Dear Dr. Gridlock:
On a recent Saturday night, we hunted for a parking spot in Bethesda. In the metered parking garage off Cordell Avenue, we joined the line of cars driving all the way up to the top in a fruitless search for an empty space.
On our trip inching back down, a green minivan in front of us stopped at the sight of a car’s backup lights. Unfortunately, the minivan’s driver spotted the departing vehicle a few feet too late. She backed up to our bumper, but it wasn’t enough to let the guy get out.

She got out of her car and told us to back up. We stared at her. Was she blind? The traffic was now backed up behind us all the way to the top of the garage. She got upset.

Apparently she was of the opinion that all 50 cars should choreograph themselves in a backup maneuver so that she could get this parking space.
The poor guy trying to get out just looked at us helplessly. My fiance got out of our car and told the woman that he didn’t care about the space and that he would drive around her but she needed to pull up first to give us room.
She wouldn’t do it, apparently convinced we were plotting to “get” her spot.

The guy trying to pull out got out of his car and tried to explain the logic of the situation to her: She couldn’t have his space until he could get out of it.

She still wouldn’t pull up, insisting that we needed to find a way to back up. We stayed at this impasse for at least 10 minutes. People were rubbernecking like it was a wreck on the Beltway.

Finally, the guy trying to leave the space gave up, and he and his wife walked out of the garage, presumably in search of something more relaxing.
We in line burst into applause. The minivan’s driver slinked out of the garage. The traffic jam cleared a half-hour later.

To the gentleman who walked away: You made our evening and proved that good guys get even every now and then.

Narcolepsy to rival even Derek Buss himself!

So as I stated previously, I’m sick. I’m still sick, in fact. There is, however, a humorous side to being sick. Saturday afternoon I was not feeling well, but still considered it might be pollen or allergies. My first clue that it was probably a cold was that I kept falling asleep. Poor Mike tells me that he’s, you know…in the mood. Its been ages (a week almost) and he’s exploding. I think “hmm, this might make me feel better” so I crawl into bed and call him. 5 minutes later Mike is in the room and I’m… you guessed it…asleep. He wakes me up and tries his hardest to keep me awake by pique-ing my interest. Twice I fall asleep during what could be described as foreplay. Sleepy. Poor Mike. I think he will probably explode if I don’t get better soon.

Also, look at these nut cases. I think its Microsoft propaganda against Apple.
Crazy People

Also, we got the apartment. We move in June 15th! Everybody say “YAY!”

More drug side effects

So I’m sick and I took a harmless cough syrup/decongestant known to us as Vicks Formula 44d before I went to sleep. Now many of my astute readers already know I have a little problem with dreams on the odd side. Last night was a new personal low. I kept dreaming about Smurfs. Yes, thats right, the little blue creatures who were “3 apples high!”

Every single dream featured smurfs or “helpful wood sprites.” I even woke up, wondered if I needed more of the vile 44d syrup to make the smurfs go away. I opted to stay in bed and hope the little blue creatures would haunt someone else.

Nope.

BLEAH!!!!!!!! kirsti sickie! :(

So, kiddies. I’m ILL! I thought it was allergies from this god-forsaken pollen-ridden state. But, NO. I have a bona-fide spring cold. I even skipped work today and let me tell you, daytime TV sucks. Thank god for TiVo taping never-ending episodes of Star Trek, Mad About You, and British murder-mysteries. One watching British TV would be led to believe that the homocide rate is 20x the US rate. Why are the British so entranced by murder and treachery?

Anyhoo….Tomorrow I must return to work.

But first, I have to pose a question to my male readers: This question comes from an episode of Mad About You that Mike and I watched today. Why is it that when men are left alone without partner they fall into some sort of loneliness induced state of disarray? I’m not accusing single guys of not having it together, just men in relationships. I don’t know. Maybe women fall into some sort of anarchic state when left alone too. Or maybe its just people who have left the day to day mundane details to their spouse/significant other/live-in lover and have forgotten how to function.

What do you think?

Risque' blabbit pictures

Well, we gave the pictures to Ryan and he made them web acceptable. Go there to see how our rabbit attacked the Ryans. Look for his 4/16 posting to see all 3 photos! Expect more pictures to come in the next few weeks.

If you will be in the Washington, DC area and you’d like to pose with the Blabbit, please send letting me know when and where you’d like to pose.

He’s very flexible with pose-able ears. There’s nothing this good-time Blabbit won’t do for a laugh or a few bucks.

A Guaranteed Crowd Pleaser!(tm)

Also, send me an e-mail or add a comment here to enter my new Name the Blabbit Contest!

The lucky winner will receive a visit from the Blabbit and receive an autographed photo of themselves appearing with the Blabbit.

void where prohibted.

Moving on up...(pending approval)

Hey kiddies, sorry I haven’t blogged at you in a while. I’ve been BUSY! Anyway, I’m back and after a month of agonizing, grueling apartment hunting we made a decision.

Everybody say “YAY!”

Anyway, our new love den is at a 12 story high-rise called “The Brittany” (NOT as in Spears!)

It has tennis courts! We’re excited! Note that we’re both obscenely close to work.

Anyway, Mike keeps reminding me its bedtime and he’s tired-cranky. It is almost 11.30pm.

Coming tomorrow: Obscene pictures with the blabbit!

When coming in 1892nd is in the top 44 percentile

People are weird. Weird weird weird!

The US Census Bureau has a listing of the the 4275 most common female names and 1219 most common male names. My name comes in, you guessed it: 1892! For the morbidly curious, here are other names that come in higher than mine!
Is my name REALLY that ODD? Should Ingeborg really be higher than my name?

1. CANDELARIA 1543


2. INGEBORG 1709


3. EVON 1737


4. ETHELYN 1738


5. ENEDINA 1739


6. CHANA 1741


7. VELVA 1742


8. TAWANNA 1743


9. SADE 1744


10. MIRTA 1745


11. AWILDA 1780


12. ALMEDA 1781


13. CLETA 1788


14. ZINA 1790


15. ZENA 1791


16. VELIA 1792


17. TANIKA 1793


18. PAUL 1794 Girls with boy names get a higher rank???!!!!


19. THOMAS 1796


20. LAVONDA 1799


21. SIGRID 1811


22. HEDWIG 1815


23. FERNE 1849


24. EBONI 1850


25. ZULA 1853


26. HORTENSIA 1860


27. GAYNELL 1861

Personally, I think I should change my name to Hedwig or Ingeborg just to get the higher ranking.

If you want to see where your name ranks (no doubt higher than mine):

Girls’ Names

Boys’ names

Apartments and Townhouses and Stress! (oh my!)

So Mike and I have decided to leave the suburban hell that is Herndon and have embarked upon the great apartment search. In the last 3 weekends we have seen over 15 apartments, 45 floor plans, and dozens of different pricing guidelines. What we really want to do is buy a house. I can’t even imagine how much more stressful that will be! What we need is an enormous house with lots of rooms, closet space, basement, garage, and a huge gourmet style kitchen. What we can afford isn’t that. The heart of the problem is that we have too much stuff and we continue to accumulate and don’t really have anything to throw out. And NO, the Giant Bunny did not make us hit critical mass.

Anyhoo, minimally, we need 3 bedrooms. Ideally, I’d want 4 or 5. That would give us enough room for computer room/study, guest rooms and leave expansion room for future planned additions to the Bloy family.

Blah. Its all too complicated! If you’d like to help out by donating money to the Mike and Kirstin need a house fund, please email me with your bank account and routing numbers. Cashiers checks are also gratefully accepted.

Thanks!

Wonder Woman

So this is probably more than anyone needs to know about me, but kinda funny. As I was getting dressed this morning I mindlessly grabbed 2 things necessary for most women: bra and underwear. As I’m standing there deciding what to wear Mike chimes in “You look like Wonder Woman!” Naturally, I say “I DO NOT.” Because who really wants to be compared to Wonder Woman? I then say most emphatically, “I may be wearing a red bra, but I most certainly do not have on blue underwear!” I look down and notice that not only am I wearing blue underwear, I’m wearing blue underwear with white stars all over them! ACK! At least it was a bra and not a bustier with a giant Eagle wings on the breasts. Needless to say, I changed. Quickly. Besides, how could I possibly run around like Wonder Woman if I didn’t have those fancy metal bracelets, a tiara/headpiece thingy, magic lasso and Invisible Jet? And I don’t think anyone could find knee-high red shiny boots outside of a porn shop these days. Where did that woman shop, anyway? A specialty store for Dominatrixes who are into primary colors?

Giant Bunnies in Grocery Stores

So last night at Giant (a supermarket chain out here) I stumbled across a GIANT bin of stuffed bunny rabbits. Some were ugly, purple, fuzzy old things and one was a very cute brown bunny with a cute fuzzy white tail and big brown plastic eyes.
It was about 3 feet long and weighed about 10 pounds, but it was so cuuuuuuuuuute. I thought it should be our shopping mascot and placed it on the top of the cart.

Mr. Sourpuss decided it was unseemly and emasculating to push a stuffed bunny through the store and made me take command of the cart. Actually, he walked far away from me and kept telling me to put the bunny back. Have I mentioned the cart had a definite list to the left? It was quite difficult to push the loaded cart, keep the Bunny balanced, and not list. Mike should have helped!

Hmmph! I thought Mr. Giant™ Bunny was adorable and it made many people in the store laugh. Who could NOT laugh at a woman with a half-crazed smirk on her face pushing a Giant™ Bunny through the store on a listing cart? Who? Only those who had their sense of humor surgically removed, thats who!

I want to go back and buy the Giant™ Bunny so I can put him in various humorous places. Who thinks I should buy the Bunny? Who thinks Mike is Mr. Sourpuss? Who thinks I’m crazy?

Alright Already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <sheesh>

Sheesh,

You get a blog with a comment feature and suddenly EVERYONE has an opinion.

LAY OFF. I liked the gradients and since I didn’t know that they weren’t apropos for web design I thought they were just fine. As it happens, I have been working on my own new design for my website. You all may have to live with gradients for a few more days because of the following things:

1. I’m wading through complicated statistics at work and don’t have time to play designer.


2. My parents are coming for a 4 day visit on Thursday so any weekend designing hopes are shot.


3. As a result of aforementioned parental visit I must clean like a mad-woman to make my house presentable to my parents.


4. And finally, sometimes I don’t want to look at an f’ing computer at the end of the day.

So…we’ll all just have to find a way to cope. I hear copious amounts of alcohol work well. Ball-gags, I hear, work well too.

I must now continue to crunch endless numbers for the sake of the United States Patent and Trademark Office.

Toodles, kiddies.

Other less common side effects are....

As some of you may know, I’m taking a very nice drug called Prevacid. This nice little pill prevents my stomach from producing acid. Its working well because I don’t have that sort of acid stomach problem anymore and I could probably eat a whole cheeseburger and not regret it at 2am.
HOWEVER
It has certain side effects which are allegedly not common…For your entertainment and amusement I’ve listed a few below. Let us play a game and guess which ones I’ve been having:

• Abnormal dreams


• agitation


• insomnia


• emotional lability – kudos if you know what this is without looking it up. For the rest of us who aren’t mental health professionals: This term describes the state of a person whose moods are unstable and changeable. A sense of solidity is missing, and the person overreacts to seemingly trifle, inconsequential events.


• depersonalization – a psychopathological syndrome characterized by loss of identity and feelings of unreality and strangeness about one’s own behavior


• thinking abnormality. What the hell is this?


• hallucinations

Mind you, these are only the “Nervous System” side effects. The list is a page long, small type font, covering every part of your anatomy and physiology. Did you know a side effect for men can be growing breasts? On the bright side, my stomach feels much better.
Well, dear reader, you’ll be happy to know that the only side effects from this list I have personally experienced are the first three. Let me warn you, if you EVER take Prevacid, DON’T take it at night. Your dreams will be all kinds of f’ed up. Believe me. In the last 2 nights I have had 3 dreams which would fall under the abnormal dream category, perhaps even nightmarish.
Let me regale you with two I can actually write down and have it make sense.

Dream One, Saturday night. 3am. I’m in Spooner at my parents house, a huge rain has eroded the drive way and I find a half buried tomb with an effigy of a person who is at first very St. Nick-ish and then a later turns into a young pale woman. I call my good friend the archaeologist to help me dig it up. It turns out to be a young, pale, blonde pregnant girl who was obviously murdered (how do I know this?) and buried under the ground to conceal the crime. She wasn’t supposed to be pregnant and was murdered because she was such a wicked person. The giant backhoe we used to pull the granite tomb out is suddenly possessed by unhappy spirits who dig a VERY deep hole, drop in the tomb and take the police car who has suddenly appeared to investiage a 100 year old murder, bend it in the middle killing a cop and the archaeologist and bury them. Meanwhile I’m running through my house which is now an Old-World style castle with huge stone walls screaming like a banshee. They’re gonna kill me too because I know about the dead girl in the ground. I’m wondering why even spirts care about this when its been over 100 years since she’s been killed. No one could possibly be convicted, but they think I must die and be buried just like the girl. Then I wake up glad that when I dream I don’t vocalize or I would have woken up the whole neighborhood.

Dream #2, shortly after I fall back to sleep after the last one. I’m in Madison to visit family and my grandmother and I have to catch the Van Galder back to Chicago to fly home to DC. I don’t want to fly because I have too many suitcases, 2 monitors and a computer so I decide to drive. I get some CDs from the trunk of my Civic and get back into my car which has suddenly turned into a 7-11 gas station/mini mart that I am going to drive back. All this, of course, seems perfectly normal. Also, the floors are unusually white and clean and the lights are bright. This is the only abnormal part, 7-11s are never that clean and bright. Tim Benson and his big brown dog appear. (note to readers: Tim does not have a big brown doggie) He has to use the bathroom and I have lost the giant wooden keychain these sorts of places always seem to have for the bathroom so I give him the master keys. Tim then proceeds to try to feed my keys to his dog and tells me its easy to fish them out of his throat and he won’t really swallow them. Eeew eew eew! After he comes back I put the keys in the cash register and fire up the car/7-11 and drive right past O’Hare airport.
Yeah. No more prevacid at night. Always take the pill in the morning. I had another weird one this morning, but its too convoluted to even try to give a plot. Also, it was conveniently interrupted by the alarm going off at 5 fucking am because Mike forgot to reset it from taking Derek to the airport Saturday morning
Now I must work.