armlessbear.com

On a news aggregator/blog/humor site I read someone posted this about why he’s voting Democrat even though he isn’t one.
The website is called Fark.com and you’ll notice the word Fark is used as a filter-friendly substitution for another 4 letter “F” word. This guy ought to write speeches or something. He calls himself “Prank Call of Cthulhu”

Prank Call of Cthulhu
I don’t like the Democrats. But I’ll not be so much voting for them, as against the Republicans. As far as I’m concerned, “they’re not Republicans” is a good enough reason.

Republicans are the party of gay-bashing, creationist, anti-science racist dumbfarks. They’re the party that decided, after a couple of whack-jobs that spend most of their time pooping in caves in Afghanistan, that we should destroy the Taliban (a reasonably good idea), and then all of a sudden (OMG! Ponies!) got ADD and decided that blowing the crap out of Iraq because one time some guy that worked for the Iraqi government had a meeting with some guy whose cousin was in Al Qaeda would be a really good idea. They’re the party that decided to go in with no exit strategy, but because they wanted to believe we’d be greeted as liberators, be in there only a couple of months, and only spend couple billion bucks decided that their wishes would become Truth.

They’re the party that thinks that two gay men marrying will somehow destroy their own marriages. They bluster about Jebus and family values while divorcing their own wives (I’m looking at you Newt) or getting a little gay sex on the down-low.

They’re the party that would rather listen to religious fundamentalists—people who follow texts written thousands of years ago that preach ignorance, blind obedience, racism, slavery—than scientists. Truthiness is more important to them than truth.

They’re happy to give up their civil rights in order to gain the perception of security.

Democrats suck too. But you know what happens when Democrats screw up? Some lazy, good for nothing, shiftless, but poor person gets a few hundred extra welfare dollars. My tax money gets distributed to ignorant Cletus in West Virginia with the outhouse in the backyard, to La’Fontiqua with the eight kids named Tyrone in the inner city, and to illegal Consuela who spends her days swabbing toilets at the Greyhound bus depot. Do those three deserve the money? No, not really. I worked hard for it. Democrats screw up, and some less-qualified minority ends up getting a job instead of a white dude. Oh well. White dudes don’t exactly have the worst time finding work, you know. Democrats screw up and all of a sudden the local elementary school has a Winter Carnival instead of a Christmas Program. Big deal.

Republicans screw up, and MegaSuper Corp gets billions of dollars in aid so they can hire another CEO at an outrageous salary. Republicans screw up, and jobs get sent overseas in order to improve the bottom line. Republicans screw up, and all of a sudden not only is the Christmas Program mandatory, but all you heathens better bow down and worship Jebus.

I hate both parties. But the fact remains that when the Democrats do something stupid, some poor person’s life gets a little better. When the Republicans do dumb stuff, it’s someone who’s already rich getting the payoff. I’m voting against Republicans today. Fark them. Fark them pushing their superstitions on me. Fark their anti-science. Fark their concerns for gays and fetuses and blastocysts that outweigh concerns over dead adults—US and Iraqi. Fark them for ignoring New Orleans, just because it’s filled with blacks. Fark the Katherine Harrises who think leaders are elected by god, and you’re going to hell if you don’t vote for Christians. Fark the President for saying if you vote for Democrats the terrorists win. Fark Ted Stevens and his sandy mangina for wasting money on a bridge to nowhere, and for not allowing the oil executives to be sworn in before Congress. Fark them for ignoring global warming. Fark them for denying potential cures for diseases because they think a blob of cells is more important. Fark them for carrying out a pointless war that does nothing but enrich the pockets of contractors, blow out young men and women to smithereens, and kill hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who don’t give a shiat one way or another about America and would just as soon not have their doors kicked down in the middle of the night. Fark Tony Snow for reminding me of Malcolm Janus from the “Dead Zone.” Fark Donald Rumsfeld for blathering lies and incompetence and getting away with it. Fark the right-wing Jebus freaks who denounce gay marriage while getting gay massages on the side. Fark Bill O’Reilly for talking family values out one side of his mouth, while he talks about rubbing falaffels on the boobies of ladies who aren’t his wife out the other.

And most of all, fark the Republicans for letting the terrorists win. Al Qaeda doesn’t scare me. They had 19 whackos willing to die, and the best they could do was effectively execute only three out of four of their airliner plans. In three buildings that have a combined occupancy of nearly 100,000, they managed to kill under 3,000 people. Iraq? Oooooh, they might be working on WMDs. That’s nice. They’ve got no way to deliver them. Terrorists are idiots. I’m not particularly worried about getting killed by one of them. But now I can’t travel on an airplane with more than a baggie full of 3-oz shampoo bottles. I have to take my shoes off (and remove my gel insoles) before I get on the plane. I have to show more ID, answer more questions, worry about who is bugging my phone and watching my email. “National Security Letters”??? Searches of my possessions before I get on a subway? I’ve sacrificed convenience for pretend security. You’ve taken what little fun existed in traveling and removed it, just so you can pretend we’re more secure.

Fark the Republicans for claiming Democrats are with the terrorists or hate America. We know the truth. We know who is against separation of Church and State. We know who is against privacy. The Democrats may be a bunch of bleeding-heart pussies, but at least they realize that the reason the Taliban is so farked up is the fact that they mix religion and government.

So I’m voting against the Republicans by voting for Democrats.